I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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