Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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