Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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