If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
