Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Someone shit on the floor
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
