I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
