I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Can i not drive my cunt home
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i would punch a child for taco bell
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
