Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
