did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
