I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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