I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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