A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
