I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
PANTIES FOUND
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
