Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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