I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
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In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
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Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize