hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
