This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
