U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
