My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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