Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
