I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
