My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
