remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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