then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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