Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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