Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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