walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
