I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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