I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
