dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
