I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
