I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
