There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
