So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
