i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.