I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it