my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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