that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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