So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
