Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
