Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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