I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
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I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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