I think I won the penis lottery.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
