Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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