i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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