he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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