so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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