I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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