Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize