I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
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