Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
