I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
