I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
