I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
