He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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